i'm lucky i'm in love

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I don't know why, but I think I'm getting increasingly afraid of growing older.

Its December again, and usually the chilly weather and smell of the air really makes me happy.
But this year it seems to come mixed with a quart of sadness and melancholic sentimentalism.
On the same subject, my coming birthday doesn't seem to beckon and laugh the same way it used to do. It used to carry excitement and choices and better things to come.

But this year it all seems to have gone away. Its like I think of the number 17 and I think: thats tragic.

15 is a little young
16 seems to me to be the best part of the teenage years.
But 17 seems a little too old.

I don't want to turn 17. After 17, 18 will sweep by and soon I'll be 20.
I don't think I'm grown up enough to turn 17.
16 seems like such a comfortable place to be.

So what if its christmas?
All those nice, snuggly things and carols and festive feelings only last for a little while, and then they only serve to give way to what comes after: another year to go through, more things to do, more responsibilities, more maturity and more expectations.

Then the next christmas will come. Maybe I'm supposed to see the beauty of the cycle of life.

But right now, the feelings just don't cut it.

I'll build my own world of strawberry pocky sticks and vanilla ice-cream, warm pepperoni pizza and music. It'll be just how I like it, and I will have a lovely time fulfilling my own purposes, unimposed on by the world.
Friends can visit and frolic if they want, but ultimately, nothing is really expected of anyone, but everyone is naturally up to expectations. There will be no need for false niceties because we all know what we all mean to say and feel, so there will be no disappointments.

After stating that, I realise that this familiar quote kind of sums it all up:

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

But with the necessary realities put in.

Labels: Necessary realities