i'm lucky i'm in love

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Met with the girls today, old times.
I feel like I've changed so much, grown, shrunk, progressed, recessed.
My friends back then and my friends now are so different...I can't say which is better but they're just so
different.

Melissa warned me about really mean people, because apparently they have a reputation already.
It got me a little scared.

How? I'm not going to not go there just because of that, but blah blah blah
I feel like everything is pre-written already.
You probably get what I'm saying already, so why type it out right?
Unless I was going to type something totally unexpected, or something completely random. Which I was not going too.

Theres no space for honesty and vulnerability on the internet. Who cares if you bare your soul anyway?

It'll just seem like you want attention, someone to lick your sorry little wounds.
Oh, look, I'm broken, and then people rush in asking omg! what happened! Don't be sad what does that give you in the end? The assurance that you have so many people who love and care for you?
They're just saying that because they know you're asking for it.
Why am I sounding angry I am not.

Recently I've gotten into this habit of not punctuating it is addictive because it seems to bring across the feeling of not stopping and hence the mood that I want to put across.

It also helps to illustrate a fast-speaking, talkative (self-absorbed?) character in dialogues.
For example:

"What is the matter how are you feeling will they be here in time do I look okay to you" and then she ran off in the other direction, seeming to obtain all her answers from her observations of my surroundings. Why she needed to speak and ask those questions I could not fathom.

Why, a human being like that- so advanced in observation and quickness of thought did not need to embrace, or exercise for that matter, any form of communication with other people except to instruct and expect complete compliance while efficiently getting every other undone task done.

"I'm okay, thanks for asking." I said to the air that was previously where she had crouched for that moment. Getting to my feet and dusting off my pants, I wondered why my head hurt so badly.

I got carried away. But the first part illustrated my point, I guess.
I think that I'm typing so much because I'm desperately looking for a diversion from studying. I don't want to start hence I occupy myself with this, and create a false sense of productivity at the same time.

Its kind of pathetic isn't it, being aware of your own escapist tendencies and actions but not mustering enough will power to overcome it.

I hate it.

But maybe we're not supposed to be so self-aware, so I mightn't have to be in this anguish.
I feel like its a paradox. Something contradictory but unfortunately for me, makes perfect sense.

What do I do?
Somebody help. (But you really don't have to)

P.S I just discovered an entire list of the tags that I have ever used on this blog. Intriguing. Its like shaking hands with my past self:

All Labels: 'Diccted A scoop of Supreme Depressimo please Ache amusing day. And after all Bah. Blargh. But in a good way. Causes for happiness. Charlieeeeeeeee Chevrolet Camaro Continuum Crazy man's Juju Creationism Distilling the essence. Do ya? Do you see me? Dramatis Personae For Ally. Gargh Gee God made the dinosaurs Heh. How apt. I heart mom I was joking. But not really. I wish Sian was an english word. That way I could explain it all better. I wonder what its like to be whole? I wouldn't want to make you an X If you can't beat em In the sun Is Stupid. ISH It'll be cool Its bittersweet Its getting worse. Its not like I have a problem or anything. join em. Junk humour Look Look infront of you/ AAAH Look this way Maybe that'll pass as a song. maybe yes? Mmmm Necessary realities no Not a cause for concern Oh look I found it Oh Mon Dieu Oh yeah. Ohhhmanthisissomuchfun on a blogging roll. On a roll On love/In sadness ooooooooommmmmmmmggggg Ow my head. Pain and Smiles Pissy. Poetic Licence Poked to death. By accident. Roofus. Running away from waves. Sick sigh. wut. TAGGERS Technology-smecnology Thanksgiving The internet This is a heart-rending period that some people go through. To duh maax Tweet. We're (not)on the same level Where is my blinking-typing-line? Where is my second home now? Whoohoo why does this happen to me? Yaaaaaaay you're my wonderwall.

Labels: Quickly fireman.